160+ Funny Quotes That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud

Here’s something incredible: scientists have discovered that laughter releases endorphins, reduces stress hormones by up to 70%. I’ve spent countless hours curating the most side-splitting, tear-inducing, absolutely ridiculous quotes from comedians, celebrities, and everyday heroes of humor.

Whether you need the perfect funny comment for social media, a hilarious status update that’ll get all the likes, or just want to brighten someone’s day with pure comedic gold, this collection has got you covered. From witty one-liners to absurdly brilliant observations about life, these 160+ funny quotes are your ticket to becoming the comedy curator your friends never knew they needed!

Funny Quotes and Sayings

• “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”  Mitch Hedberg
• “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.”  President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove
• “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”  Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls
• “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”  David Letterman
• Brian: “Look, you’ve got it all wrong. You don’t need to follow me. You don’t need to follow anybody. You’ve got to think for yourselves. You’re all individuals.”
• Crowd: “Yes, we’re all individuals!”
• Individual: “I’m not!”  Brian (Graham Chapman) and cast, Monty Python’s Life of Brian
• Bob: “Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.”
• Peter: “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.”
• “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”  Mark Twain
• “From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly, we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”  Jarod Kintz
• “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”  Rita Rudner
• “Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you but I’m not going to.”  Phil Connors (Bill Murray), Groundhog Day
• “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”  Erma Bombeck
• “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”  Phyllis Diller
• “I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”  Anonymous
• “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.'”  Anonymous
• “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you have to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”  Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld
• “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”  Anonymous

Funny Quotes From Celebrities, Movies and Television

• “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”  Michael Scott (Steve Carrell), The Office
• “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”  Rodney Dangerfield
• “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”  Les Dawson
• “There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.”  Surgeon (Graham Chapman), Monty Python’s Flying Circus
• “The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It’s a good non-specific symptom; I’m a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but if you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor’s office. That’s worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you’re bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It’s a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.”  Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick), Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
• Ted Striker: “Surely you can’t be serious.”
• Dr. Rumack: “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley” Ted Striker (Robert Hays) and Dr. Rumack (Leslie Nielsen), Airplane!
• “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”  Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?
• Stan Fields: “Describe your perfect date.”
• Cheryl: “That’s a tough one. I’d have to say April 25. Because it’s not too hot and not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.” Stan Fields (William Shatner) and Cheryl Frasier (Heather Burns), Miss Congeniality
• “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”  Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear
• “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they have all their teeth and no toothbrush.”  Bobby Boucher (Adam Sandler), The Waterboy
• “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.”  Jimmy Kimmel
• “Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.”  Pete (Paul Rudd), Knocked Up
• “Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes, and a week’s worth is eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas.”  Lessons from the Minivan
• “I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.” Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory
• “There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy.”  Elise (Goldie Hawn), The First Wives Club
• Usher: “Bride or groom?”
• Wedding guest: “It should be perfectly obvious I’m neither!” Four Weddings and a Funeral

Funny Quotes About Life

• “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”  Joan Rivers
• “I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”  Jerry Seinfeld
• Lucy: “There’s just two things keeping me from dancing in that show.”
• Fred: “Your feet?”
•  Lucy (Lucille Ball) and Fred Mertz (William Frawley), I Love Lucy
• “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”  Anonymous
• Coach: “How’s a beer sound, Norm?”
• Norm: “I don’t know, I usually finish before they get a word in.” Coach (Nicholas Colasanto) and Norm (George Wendt), Cheers
• “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.”  Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase), National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
• “There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.”  Dowager Countess Violet Crawley (Maggie Smith), Downton Abbey
• “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”  Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey), Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
• “The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.”  Clairee Belcher (Olivia Dukakis), Steel Magnolias
• “I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”  Anonymous
• “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”  Graham Norton
• “I’m not good at giving advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”  Chandler (Matthew Perry), Friends
• “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”  George Carlin
• “When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.”  Larry (Larry David), Curb Your Enthusiasm
• “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”  Sir Norman Wisdom
• “That’s why New York is so great, though. Everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good, nothing else matters. Who needs love when you’ve got lox? They both stink, but only one tastes good.”  Midge Maisel (Rachel Brosnahan), The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
• “I never forget a face but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”  Groucho Marx
• “Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?”  Neil DeGrasse Tyson
• “Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.”  Adam Gropman
• “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”  Jay Leno
• “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”  Steve Martin
• “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far, I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”  Dave Barry
• “Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.”  Frank Semyon (Vince Vaughn), True Detective
• “What do you mean, he doesn’t eat any meat? That’s okay, that’s okay. I make lamb.”  Aunt Voula (Andrea Martin), My Big Fat Greek Wedding
• “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”  George Burns
• “To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!”  Wanda (Jamie Lee Curtis), A Fish Called Wanda
• “Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?”  Shelley Darlingson (Anna Faris), The House Bunny
• “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”  Ellen DeGeneres
• Francois: “Do you know what kind of a bomb it was?”
• Clouseau: “The exploding kind.”
• “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”  Tina Fey, Bossypants
• “There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant.”  Anonymous
• “I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.”  Dory (Ellen DeGeneres), Finding Dory

Short Funny Quotes

• “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”  Robin Williams
• “I don’t have to take this abuse from you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.”  Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray), Ghostbusters
• Police officer: “Pull over.”
• Harry: “No, it’s a cardigan. But thanks for noticing.”  Harry Dunne (Jeff Daniels), Dumb and Dumber
• “I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”  Bob Hope
• “If we’re going to pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid.”  Claire Foster (Tina Fey), Date Night
• “I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.”  Anonymous
• “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”  Elbert Hubbard
• “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly.” Winston Churchill
• “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”  George Carlin
• “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”  Charles Lamb
• “Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.”  Robert Benchley
• “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.”  Lucille Ball
• “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”  Charles M. Schulz
• “Don’t be so humble you’re not that great.”  Golda Meir
• “If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.”  Alice Roosevelt Longworth
• “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”  Lily Tomlin
• “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”  Mark Twain
• “Woke up today. It was terrible.”  Grumpy Cat
• “Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.”  Anonymous
• “I can’t end my messages with Love, Shaq, because the B-52s ruined that for me.”  Meme attributed to Shaquille O’Neal
• “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.”  Halley Reed (Mia Farrow), Crimes and Misdemeanors
• “Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.”  Erma Bombeck
• “Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”  Mortimer Brewster (Cary Grant), Arsenic and Old Lace
• “If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.”  Judith Martin
• “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”  Steven Wright
• “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”  Erma Bombeck
• “Please. Have mercy. I’ve been wearing the same underwear since Tuesday.”  Neal Page (Steve Martin), Planes, Trains and Automobiles
• “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”  Earl Wilson
• “There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”  Jerry Seinfeld
• “When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”  Rodney Dangerfield
• “I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde.”  Dolly Parton
• “Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.”  Mae West

Best Funny Quotes

• “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”  Jack Handey
• “Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?”  Lillian (Maya Rudolph), Bridesmaids
• “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”  Oscar Wilde
• “What they could do to make it easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.”  Harry (Billy Crystal), When Harry Met Sally
• “Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”  P.J. O’Rourke
• “I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.”  Rodney Dangerfield
• “I thought I had mono once for an entire year. It turns out I was just really bored.”  Wayne Campbell (Mike Myers), Wayne’s World
• “When in doubt, look intelligent.”  Garrison Keillor
• “Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.”  H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
• “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher.”  Socrates
• “By all means, move at a glacial pace; you know how that thrills me.”  Miranda Priestly (Meryl Streep), The Devil Wears Prada
• “Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.”  Paula Poundstone
• “Death is nature’s way of saying, “Your table is ready.”  Robin Williams
• “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”  Nora Ephron
• “When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his first name was Always.” Rita Rudner
• “I cook with wine; sometimes, I even add it to food.”  W.C. Fields
• “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island, what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.'”  Steven Wright
• “I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.” Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker), Sex and the City
• Cal: “You are really pushing my buttons today.”
• Becky: “Which one is ‘mute’?”
•  Waitress, the Musical
• “The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”  Anonymous
• “People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends, I need a Ouija board.”  Betty White
• “My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.” Maria Bamford
• “You’re not your dad. He could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves!”  Richard Hayden (David Spade), Tommy Boy
• “Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese.”  Luis Bunuel
• “Hard work never kills anybody, but why take a chance?”  Edgar Bergen
• “When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends.”  Harry Burns (Billy Crystal), When Harry Met Sally
• “I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”  Jerome K. Jerome
• “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.”  Redd Foxx
• “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”  Bob Hope
• “I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal.”  Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell), Anchorman
• “Life is hard. After all, it kills you.”  Katharine Hepburn
• “As far as I’m concerned, ‘whom’ is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.”  Calvin Trillin

Funny Inspirational Quotes

• “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet access to see who they really are.”  Will Ferrell
• “Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.”  Dorothy Parker
• “The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat. So people who don’t know what they’re doing, or who on Earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self.”  Joe Fox (Tom Hanks), You’ve Got Mail
• “Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.”  Lin-Manuel Miranda
• “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”  Jim Carrey
• “People say, ‘How do you stay looking so young?’ I say, “Well, good lighting, good doctors and good makeup.”  Dolly Parton
• “According to the map, we’ve only gone four inches.”  Harry Dunne (Jeff Daniels), Dumb and Dumber
• “Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.”  Pauline Thomason
• “Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”  Isaac Asimov
• “Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping.”  Bo Derek
• “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”  George Carlin
• “You can always tell when a man’s well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”  H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
• “I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.”  Stephen Fry
• “If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.”  William Lyon Phelps
• “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”  Ellen DeGeneres
• “I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.”  Charles M. Schulz
• “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”  Ellen DeGeneres
• “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”  Groucho Marx
• “I’m one stomach flu away from my goal weight.”  Emily Charlton (Emily Blunt), The Devil Wears Prada
• “My perfect beautiful miracle baby? Never slept. Ever. Never. Twelve years later, the memories of those nights, of that sleep deprivation, still make me rock back and forth a little bit. You want to torture someone? Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn’t sleep.”  Shonda Rimes
• “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”  Damien Fahey
• “Why yes, I can carry on a conversation made up entirely of movie quotes.”  Anonymous
• “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”  Jack Whitehall
• “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” Noel Coward
• “Trying is the first step toward failure.”  Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
• “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”  Zach Galifianakis
• “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”  Groucho Marx
• “What’s another word for Thesaurus?”  Steven Wright
• “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”  Mark Twain
• “I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.”  Zsa Zsa Gabor
• “Laugh, and the world laughs with you; snore, and you sleep alone.”  Anthony Burgess
• “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”  George Burns

Conclusion

Laughter is contagious, and you’re now equipped with 160+ doses of pure comedic brilliance! These funny quotes aren’t just words on a page, they’re little packets of joy waiting to brighten someone’s day, including your own..

Remember, the goal isn’t just to collect funny quotes, it’s to spread joy and create those magical moments when someone reads your post and can’t help but smile. Don’t be afraid to mix and match, add your own twist, or use these as inspiration for your original comedic genius!

So go ahead, pick your favorites and start spreading the laughter! After all, as the great Charlie Chaplin once said, “A day without laughter is a day wasted” and we definitely can’t have that!